WONDER-TONIC: Sneak Peek! The Exciting Climax Of My Screenplay TIME RIFT 2: FANGS OF THE ROUNDTABLE

via wondertonic:

Here is the mind-blowing climax of the second installment in the TIME RIFT universe. Any comments welcome!

INT. CASTLE - NIGHT

The VAMPIRE KNIGHTS sit around a ROUNDTABLE dividing GOLD. They can’t believe they just killed Rocky “Ripcord” Kelvin in a joust.

SIR DRACULA (drinking blood from a RUBY GOBLET)
“The only thing sweeter than this gold will be the blood of lady Guinevere!”

The camera PANS to LADY GUINEVERE, tied to a chair and bruised, but still SMOKIN HOT. Sir Dracula reaches out and touches her face with his METAL HAND.

Suddenly, a NOISE comes from behind him. A FAINT BLUE LIGHT appears in the middle of the air. All the VAMPIRE KNIGHTS take notice. The BLUE LIGHT starts to GROW and GROW until it becomes a STARGATE-ESQUE PORTAL.

SIR FANGSALOT (confused)
“It couldn’t be!”

SQUIRE BLOOD (in disbelief)
“He died at the joust today!”

All the VAMPIRE KNIGHTS stand and take out their BROADSWORDS. The VAMPIRE MINSTRELS stop playing. It’s TENSE AS HELL.

The faint sound of Kid Rock’s “BAWITDABA” comes from the portal. The VAMPIRE KNGHTS don’t know WHAT IS GOING ON. It gets LOUDER and LOUDER until ROCKY “RIPCORD” KELVIN STEPS OUT OF THE PORTAL, ALIVE AND IN ONE PIECE AND WEARING AN AMERICAN WORLD WAR TWO UNIFORM. He’s holding a BOOMBOX that’s BLASTING “BAWITDABA.”

ROCKY (with meaning)
“Looks like a real nice party you’re having here.”

Rocky cocks his STANDARD ISSUE THOMPSON SUBMACHINE GUN FROM WORLD WAR TWO.

ROCKY (intensely)
“Hope you don’t mind if I invited some friends.”

The VAMPIRE KNIGHTS look at each other, unsure WHAT IS GOING ON. Rocky looks back to the portal.

ROCKY (badass)
“Let’s storm this beach!”

Rocky PUMPS the boombox and the 101st AIRBORNE DIVISION FROM 1944 RUSHES OUT OF THE PORTAL, GUNS BLAZING.

Rocky goes to Guinvere while the AMERICAN SOLDIERS FROM THE PAST BEAT ASS

Rocky (deeply)
“Sorry it took me so long.”

GUINEVERE (hot)
“Oh, Rocky! I thought you were dead!”

ROCKY (awesome)
“I was. But then I changed the future.”

They MAKE OUT. The AMERICAN SOLDIERS FROM THE PAST keep kicking ass because they know if they kill the medieval vampires now, HITLER WON’T EXIST LATER.

A conversation I have every month or so

Me: (tries to visit a local restaurant’s website via iPhone)
Restaurant website: I require Flash. Fuck off.
Me: I just want to know how late you’re open.
Website: Nope.
Me: But I’m on my phone. Don’t you have a little “HTML Version” link up in the corner or something?
Website: I’m ignoring you.
Me: What if I’m on my phone because I’m out, looking for a place to eat? Didn’t that ever occur to you?
Website: Fuck entirely off.
Me: (gives up, switches to computer)
Website: Oh! Hi! What can I help you with today?
Me: What are your —
Website: Hang on, I’m loading the music.
Me: Really.
Website: You’ll love it. It’s “Girl from Ipanema” arranged for steel drum and keytar.
Me: No, you don’t have to —
Website: Loading…
Me: All I want is —
Website: I SAID DOT DOT DOT.
Me: (drums fingers on desk)
Website: There we go. Isn’t that nice? It’s… what’s the word. Ethnicky.
Me: What are your hours?
Website: Take a look at our menu! It’s a PDF of a screenshot of a scan of a Word document printed on a dishtowel. With fonts!
Me: I don’t care. What are your hours?
Website: Don’t worry, the menu loads in a new window so the music won’t stop. Can I show you some broken images?
Me: What. Are. Your. Hou. Rs.
Website: I… I don’t know.
Me: (goes to Denny’s)

(via timoni: dwineman)

Adelaide Zoo says:

This is Chook, our male Superb Lyrebird. We’ve had a lot of construction going on lately and Chook has picked up many of the sounds. You can find out more information on Chook and download free Chook ringtones here.

We think we can hear the following sounds:

  1. Hammer
  2. Chainsaw
  3. Jack hammer
  4. Lawn mower hitting sticks
  5. Leaf blower starting
  6. Power drill
  7. Wood saw
  8. Human voices
  9. Two-way radio
  10. Worker whistling

He makes lots of different bird calls as well. What can you hear?

It's like a movie

The Torah is the first one, and the New Testament is the sequel. Then the Qu’ran comes out and retcons the last one like it never happened. There’s still Jesus, but he’s not the main character any more, and the Messiah hasn’t shown up yet.

Jews like the first movie but ignored the sequels. Christians think you need to watch the first two, but the third one doesn’t count. Muslims think the third one was the best. And Mormons liked the second one so much they started writing fan fiction that doesn’t fit with any of the series canon.

Inside the Yakuza: Balls of Steel

Meet Jake Adelstein, a Jewish reporter who thinks like a Japanese gangster.

Via boingboing:

Jake Adelstein is the author of Tokyo Vice, a new book that chronicles the author’s crazy adventures as a crime reporter for Japan’s largest newspaper. During his 12 years at Yomiuri Shimbun, Adelstein made deadly enemies — and some lifelong friends — in the yakuza, the organized crime underworld that quietly controls a large part of Japan’s political economy. The book (which I reviewed in January) chronicles his journey from naive young foreigner to one of the ballsiest reporters on the yakuza beat. Along the way, he discovered that one of the mob bosses, a guy named Goto Tadamasa, had made a deal with the FBI to go to the US and get a liver transplant at UCLA — an embarrassing scandal that Goto didn’t want anyone to know about. When Goto found out that Adelstein was investigating, he figured he should just kill him. “It was really terrifying,” he says. “I couldn’t even walk outside without my lovable ex-yakuza bodyguard next to me.”

Fortunately for Adelstein, he found himself still breathing when Goto lost power in October of 2008. Today, he walks the streets of Tokyo with a titanium core umbrella (“a baseball bat would probably make people uneasy”) and that keeps him safe… at least for now.

Read on…

Dinosaur Comics rocks as always. (Embiggen)

Dinosaur Comics rocks as always. (Embiggen)